Sunday, July 17, 2011

Jelly Bellys

Jelly Bellys.

Ah, Jelly Bellys.

The simple name of them used to make little me (okay- today's me as well) wiggle with excitement. Something about these multi-flavored treats is intrinsically appealing. IT'S LIKE A CONSTANT, DELICIOUS, GUESSING GAME. I'm sure I'm not the only one who plays the Jelly-Belly-guessing-game. In case you're unsure of the rules, here's how you play:

1) Pick a random Jelly Belly. Don't go fishing; this will not only take out the element of surprise, but will also inevitable leave you with a bag full of reject flavors, which is no fun.
2) Based solely on color, try and guess the flavor. 
3) Take a bite, eating only half of the Jelly Belly. The reason for this is threefold: first, if you get a bad flavor, this will limit the shock value; second, if the flavor is delicious, you now have a handy reference for future Jelly Belly adventures; finally, this leaves you half a Jelly Belly to enjoy in peace, without any stress of having to guessing the flavor.

I'm quite the practiced Jelly Belly guesser. So let me share a few pointers with you, so you too can navigate the seas of the 50 flavors with ease.



First, you must remember this: despite what your mom might tell you, not all Jelly Bellys are created equally. Nor are they split equally throughout each bag of Jelly Bellys. The approximate division of Jelly Belly flavors per bag is as follows:
So while the majority of Jelly Bellys are at the very least edible, and some of them are especially delightful, there is that all-too-big portion that you must try to avoid at all costs. These are the ones whose taste stays on your tongue, the ones you try to frantically spit out upon discovering their true colors, the ones that often try to disguise themselves among their tasty counterparts. Fortunately, with practice, you can learn to avoid these ones 97% of the time. How? Well, unlike people, it is okay to divide and judge Jelly Bellys by their flavor. Here's a color-by-color guide, in descending safeness order:

ORANGE
Orange is pretty much always a safe bet. This is a safe haven of fruity delights; grapefruits, oranges, and tangerines all thrive here.

GREEN
Like orange, green is almost always safe. The rare and delicious watermelon fits into this category, along with many other yummy fruit flavors. Juicy pear is also delicious.

RED
Red is a little risky. While it has many tasty fruits, not one, but two varieties of cinnamon lurk among the red, and are quite good at blending in.

BROWN
Brown is usually tasty, but it has some of the odd flavors that feel weird to eat in jelly bean form. Such flavors include peanut butter, caramel corn, and toasted marshmallow. Entering into this territory is risky business, but can pay off with such flavors as caramel apple and root beer.

BLUE/PURPLE
This is the territory of veryberryfullness. Tasty, but beware of the artificial flavoring/sugar bombs that sometimes slip it.

WHITE
Your luck with white is about 50/50. Coconut and cafe latte are delicious; cream soda and french vanilla are weirdly sugary and fake tasting.

PINK
Pink is like a big, sugary sugarfest. Strawberry Daiquiri is about it's only redeeming flavor.

YELLOW
BEWARE OF YELLOW. Here lies the death traps of pina colada and the ever dreaded buttered popcorn. Fortunately, lemon flavored ones are found here too. These delicious ones are, sadly, quite well disguised, as almost all yellow ones look the goddamn same.
Those goddamn buttered popcorn ones. EVERY TIME.
BLACK
By "black" I mean "licorice." The bane of my Jelly Belly existence, these nasty little beans look sadly alike to other delicious flavors, especially in low lighting. At all costs, avoid these ones.

So with these tips, and a little practice, you too will be a Jelly Belly connoisseur. So go forth and enjoy, little Jelly Belly babies! (Reading that, I feel the need to clarify: you guys are my little Jelly Belly babies; in no way to I encourage the eating of babies, of the Jelly Belly deliciousness variety or not)

Finally; I just realized that I wrote an entire post of JELLY BELLYS. Please don't judge me. I just really really wanted to make that buttered popcorn flavor picture, and wanted to find a way to work it into a post. I guess I got a little carried away.

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