That Can Be My Next Tweet

So, in the exciting news of my life today, I found this site called That Can Be My Next Tweet. As far as I can tell, it gets random bits of all your previous tweets, and spits out an endless supply of tweets that it thinks you might, in some far-off alternate dimension, be likely to tweet. Or, you know... tweet in a drunken haze one night. Mostly, it succeeds at producing hilarious, semi-coherent tweets that could put even the drunkest tweeter to shame. So, without further adieu, here it is... My Top 10 15 Possible Tweets (with possible explanations).


1. 2011 ... sometimes I have a double high-five? 
Because sometimes, all you need to do is ask life politely. 

2. The scary tragedy- Norway gunman kills 80 at an alarming rate.... can enjoy this... I get involved?
And in this alternate twitter dimension, not only do I take pleasure in public shootings, but I want... to join it? Um....

3. Shark Week: River Monsters- NO WHERE IS SAFE. I CAN SMELL IT. Chairman Meow is pregnant.
My keen sense of smell might keep me safe from the fresh water sharks, but nothing will protect me from the spawn of Chairman Meow*.

4 a. !
Because apparently I am enthusiastic about life.
   b. ?
But also confused.


5. PADDLEBOARDINGPADDLEBOARDINGPADDLEBOARDING YAY RIP Jack Layton.
 In the midst of my excitement over paddleboarding, I'm suddenly overcome with the news/reality that Jack Layton has died. And immediately feel the need to pay my respects.

6. Just Announced: Jay-Z and his passion, ability to fight Cystic Fibrosis. Good job UVIC! I have a pic.
I would so very much like to see this picture. Good job supporting the good cause though, Jay-Z.

7. When my best cure is that YOUR STALKING LEVELS ARE NOW UP 200% Congratulations.
 My best cure for  what? My intense lack of creepy friends? But good job... I guess.

8. Right now there are few things freakier in politics in has 100 problems.
This one almost makes sense. In a dramatic, politics-so-twisted-it-scary-but-my-English-no-good-to-express-it kind of way.

9. THESE BEYONCE BABY JOKES ARE TOO EASY. And I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU MISS PHYSICS 12 flying high five.
They are easy! But I don't remember this Physics 12 flying high five. It sounds awesome.

10. I jumped out of strictly sandwiches. EXCELLENT PRACTICE FOR MYSELF NEXT YEAR.
What are strictly sandwiches? And why the hell must I practice jumping out of them? Is this that new sport coming to the 2012 Olympics?

11. One week left in life than giant fish. Seriously, wtf!
Wtf indeed. Perhaps I've solved the mystery of the afterlife? It sounds scary.

12. Flying high five. Playlists get involved? From afar, it really scared me.
Because when playlists start high-fiving, you know shit's gotten real.

13. Still get a good day, and hilarious. Beyonce is pregnant. Now Jay-Z and bitch ain't one.
Au contraire, I think this is solid evidence that they will be one? You know, in the form of the child sharing both of their genes? To be fair, I wouldn't have called Beyonce a bitch.

14. PADDLEBOARDINGPADDLEBOARDINGPADDLEBOARDING YAY RIP Rick Rypien, sad to me so far Today my dresser drawers!
Again, my paddleboarding joy is cut short by a celebrity death. However, I get distracted by my bedroom furniture.

15. JAKE JAKE JAKE JAKE JAKE JAKE JAKE JAKE JAKE JAKE JAKE JAKE JAKE JAKE JAKE JAKE!
Because sometimes, you just like repeating your friend's names. In cap locks.

Anyways, I suggest (if you have twitter) you give this site a try. Hell, even if you don't have twitter, find a friend/celebrity who has it and use their username (although this will likely be less funny). It is hilarious, and make you appreciate drunk-you's ability to at least make sense online most of the time. If you fit the criteria of both having twitter and reading this blog (cough cough Chelsea and Hilary), you should share you best ones via the comment section. Go on... make me laugh!

*Chairman Meow is the name bestowed upon a neighborhood cat who is known for his incredible stalking/lurking abilities. Not only is he a boy (and therefore should NOT be pregnant), but I'm fairly certain he watches my family while we sleep. And likely takes notes. Unless you have experienced it, it is hard to imagine the utterly weird lurking habits of this cat. This is him, savoring his last moments of stalking me before I move:

Whatever you do, do NOT make eye contact.